My hand

Hi, today my new post is about optimism and everything connected with it. I'm already mature and think that if you want to be sane you should be optimistic. I found a new method. Every my problem give out to the highest mind or you may call it God. He knows better what to do with my life and how to change it for the better. Thanks to it I feel better. I know there is somebody high above me who knows me best and knows how to solve my problems. I trust him and believe him thorouhly.

I wish you the same and I'm aware that he pampers me a lot with his graces. I wish you the same. Good luck.

Here you can see myself in a mirror. I don't feel like showing myself. Maybe this is what bugs me. Maybe I should think of making a sort of theraphy for myself by shooting myself photos. first I started with my leg and hands photos.

Today I feel allright, full of positive energy. I came to the conclusion that my monster tormented me for such a long time. Seemingly I wanted to wipe myself from the surface of the earth. It's so sick I know of that , but I'm a doctor as well as a tormentor of myself. And only I can raise my spirits. I don't want to do that any more. simply I can't. There are so many things within me that I want to erase, even the good ones. It's terrible and illuminating at the same time because I know what are they. All I want to repeat is "be brave" and only this appeals to me. How easy is to humiliate oneself and how difficult is to accept oneself and have hope that something will change in the future.

Today threre won't be probably any post. I'd like only to share with you with my musings. I made a decision to give private lessons. It made me feel so relieved that it's impossible to describe. I felt as if I said yes to life and to everything which is connected with it. The conclusion is the following: Don't turn your back on all your problems because soooner or later they will get you.

My English is my biggest problem and I lived with it almost 8 years, talking to myself that I'm hopless. Now it's time to raise my head and move on towards life. that's it more or less. I simply want to live without any burden on my back. Have a nice day.

My almighty hand

Today as i proised a photo of my hand. Unfortunately I have some problems with the blog that's I'll keep it short.

Woman wth a child

Here you have the citizens of my favourite tribe in Africa the Himba. I mentioned them many times before. I'm fascinated by their nature, by throwing away the civilization with its inventions, sleeping on sheep's skin. Imagine, they in xxi century throw away the whole civilization! Apart from it they beautifully decorate their skin with ohre and animal fat to prevent dewatering among others. I have recently found materials about them. They are simply outstanding.

Today I feel sort of relieved. I prepared a soup for my family. Depression doesn't take me over yet. I want to trust God . This is as simple as that. I want to believe that I'm good at Enlish and I'm gonna be a perfect teacher. That is my hope though I have no basis for it. I still hope that God will help me sooner or later. I don't want to panic but quietly base my future on this hope.

A girl leaning against the wall

I like the naked arm of the girl in the picture. I associate it with her innosence. Unfortuanately in Africa more and more people get infected with AIDS. It is a real plague for Africa nowadays. Though many people think that using condoms should be on the dayily basis, the Pope is against it. He promotes marital faithfullness and abstinence. Many persons find the head of the church outrageous and oldfashioned I agree with him to some extent. The church promotes life and human will, any intrussion into human life is forbiden.

Apart from many illnesses Africa is troubled by tribal wars and still there are many which go on on this continent. What is the conclusion of this post. " You'd better be pleased with what you have". That's it.

In order to push away my distractive thoughts I decided to be more hard working and devote my time to drawing , because I love it. It is as simple as that.

Mother with a child

Today I don't invoke pain in my heart. I feel sort of relieved. The question is why. Maybe because I saw a programm on TV where a simple woman was unusually happy. She said one thing which astounded me."I don't think about the next day. I just enjoy here and now."

After what she said I realised that what bugs me is another day. I don't enjoy my life fully. I just fear what will happen in the future. That expression changed my life thoroully. I feel joy of living maybe for a short while.

One more thing bugs me a lot. I don' t want to be myself. I feel sort of improper. I don't stick to any pattern. Now I want to be myself, enjoy my living, realize my mistakes and move on. Today I feel sort of hope. How changeable my days are.

A woman in a refugee camp

Today I have some problems with the blog and some mechanisms prevent me from inserting a post. I found out that when I reveal some thruths about myself I feel relived. Now I in a situation I see temporarily no way out. Basically I'm out of work now and have no hope for the future. That is why I feel miserable. The ban which prevents me from work is human judgements. It is such a bariere that I feel there is no solution for the situation. It is such a burden .

Here this woman in a refuge camp reveals my despair. Today I feel really weak. Besides I'd like to sell my drawings for a living. And there is no one out there who wants to buy anything from me. So it is a viscious circle.

My cat

Here is my cat. As I promised I introduce real photos into my blog. This one is cute but other photos will be in sepia. Some strange monster tells me it will be a failure but sometimes I wonder what such a person looks like who runs a blog. It doesn't mean that I'm going to insert my own photos but in this way you can realize what my life looks like.

Today I hated myself so much that it almost overwhelmed me. I want to release such feelings because it makes me feel you are my GP. God knows how much I want to detach from such feelings, how much I want to understand and see myself through God's eyes. I experience a thought that makes me feel happy and joyful. It says "you are alive". And that's it more or less. Many times when we feel depressed or down in spirits we don't realize that the energy of life is in us and noone will take it from us. It's so strong and vivid. It makes you feel free from anything apart from yourself. Sometimes when people suffer from depression they want to end with themseves they want to shatter this holy shrine. I don't want to. And I'm on my way to discover how to escape such negative feelings. I hope you feel all right today. There are so many blogs. I hope that I will like my blog. Because what I need is not your attention, your appraisal, your homage but mine to myself. Appreciating myself and noone is necessary then. Sorry to say this. Bye, have a nice time.

A black child in a tube

Today I feel sort of confused. That's my state of mind. The reason is that I don't thoroughly believe in myself. I find so many obstacles that I can't seemingly overcome. I feel like redundant trush. I feel powerless. It's a terrible feeling. Actually I have no idea why I evaluate myself in such a way. The answer is that I simply got used to it. This is a habitual mechanism that I can't overcome. Besides I think what people will say about my failures. In this way I make a problem look bigger that it actually is. I forgot to tell you about the whole situation. It's all about giving private lessons to people. I have such a fear that I'll fail and nothing will come out it. Please raise my spirits.
The first step to rise my spirits is the picture of the boy in the tube. It's so joyful that I wonder why I find the activity so depressing. Actually it's smaller than the other drawings. The colours make you feel active and optimistic about life. Besides I have to praise myself for drawing a child properly. That's a big advantage. There are so many things that I can praise myself for. It's hard to enumerate them.
Now I came to the conclusion that there is nothing to punish myself for. And I should take from life everything what it gives me and be more courageous. That's it. There is nothing to be afraid of. Besides if I fail I will know why. Now I'm in sort of vacumm and fear to come out of it. The only person to help me is myself .
I have to tell you that such flow of speach helps a lot to purify my spirits and release tension. Thanks a lot for your attention. Bye untill tomarrow.

A hidden face

The photo I titled a hidden face. The picture is very simple though the outcome is stunning. I especially like the calming shades of the brown colour. I got the idea of drawing it from the mission leaflet. Sometimes I read such publications. As a result you can see that simple shapes and colours can create a kind of climate which is remarkable and outstanding. Thanks to this I often look through the leaflets having an interesting drawing on my mind. This is my aim and sometimes I happen to find something beautiful which can interest you .
Today I saw many sunning and fascinating photos of National Geographic magazine. When you look through it you find out that you are not the hub of the univers and there are people just like you who have different problems which are as importantas yours. When you feel depressed or confused you can see that the earth is so beautiful that your "bugs"are nothing in comparison with the problems of the world. By the way I still hope that there is someone reading my notes. Hello.
One more thing I forgot. I'd like to create a different blog with my thoughts or it's going to be the same . I don't know which one. Where I can create my new world with my thoughts. At least I hope I 'll like it as much as you do.

Suckling baby

Here I want to show you the portrait of the suckling baby. It is sweet and familiar somehow to you. It depicts motherhood in its full bloom. I'd like to praise myself for showing the picture in detail. I didn't omit anything. By means of such pictures you can point at the beauty of Africa as well as any other country. The most intimate beauty . Today I feel sort of detached. I'd like to find a profitable job and don't have the courage to do so. I have such low esteem. Mabe you can help me somehow by looking through my post and posting some your judgement on them. I will be very gratefull for that. I feel downhearted. Thanks for your attention. Bye.

Himba bust

Long time no see I should say. I has been quite a long time since I last created a new post. Many things happened along the way. Many thoughts went through my mind. First, I became fascinated by the Himba tribe in central Africa. Thay are famous for their special way of taking care of oneself. Ohre is a cosmetic they use to make oneself attractive to the other sex. It really works and the outcome is marvellous. Their bodies are smooth and moistured. Himba live in central Africa as I said before. They are not very rich, though they have interesing culture and this is what attracts me a lot to them.