a sudden death

Recently I found out that one of my acquintances is dead. She died in a car crash. I  was shocked. She was such a nice and beautiful person. Let her rest in peace. Her work drained her energy, a promising math scientist. When I got to know her she was torn apart, somehow she couldn't accept her life. I don't know much about her, but what I grasped is that she didn't accept her life, maybe she was not on friendly terms with her husband. I believe that now she is on top of the world. I imagine that she found a different dimention, where she is happy. I thought about myself. What was it like to be on the other side. Would God judge me for what I did or I will enter the land of happiness straight away. When we are young we don't think about life and death but when time is about to end such thoughts rubbish our thoughts.

Today my head is full of musings on different topics. About life about the children I teach. I noticed that when you establish sort of emotional bond between you and your learner then you can make as many mistakes as you wish and you won't be blamed for them. Maybe this is stupid but I know this from experience. I'm sure that my nature is not infallible and I can't do anyhting about it. Someone pointed it out beautifully " If you don't do anything , you don't make mistakes". I get to know the nature of children, how sincere they can be, how dilligent. They are great observers and nothing escapes their attention. At the same time they are ambitious and require the same from you. And that's a hard nut to crack.

Today was a big day for me because I realized that I'm not as perferct as I wanted to. That's painful for me but I have to accept it. Some people come some people go. We will see what will happen.

Sometimes I try to think what is going on in that little person's mind. How he or she understands what I'm saying to him or her. In this way I could realize where the mistake comes from.

I sort of want to understand and accept the way I am but it is so hard to approve all the things I used to hate. I imagined myself as a perfect, infallible creature and I'm disillusioned about life about my job. One good thing is that I started improving my cooking skills and I'm doing pretty well in this area. I made ratatoulle which was amazing plus chicken curry which was ok as well. I'm quite a good cook. This is it. So bye for now.

a MESSY POST

Today I don't put any post on my blog maybe because I want to say more to other people and to myself in particular. Recently I had some tough days and humilated myself all the time. I've noticed how hard is to change the steam of your thinking. Instead of saying" you are hopless" say to yourself on the opposite. I got used to sort of idea that I'm worthless. Nobody convinced me that actually it is true but I kept on repeating you are wothless you are a terrible teacher. I sort of struggle constantly with myself and deny everything but it comes back again and again. My internal critique is on the go and to silence him is something almost impossible. I want to say to you if you are listening that  no matter what happens you are worth more than you think. First of all I'd like to tell myself because having a blog is like going to confession each time you make a post. I'm as pleased as Punch today and just waiting what will change my mood. But all in all I'm optimistic and wish you all the same. Be one's own master and don't delude yourself. Life is too beautiful to be waisted. Bye.

A blak post

This time without a painting, not because I sort of quit but there is such a mess in my photos. I hardly know how to sort them. Painting is my passion and not long ago I did a beautiful painting of shells. To me it is a step towars creativity and perfection. For some time I felt that it always be so hard for me to paint something brilliant. Fortunately it turned out that I did a good job and even my teacher praised me for my creation. It sort of boost my ego and helps me to realise that in life it is not always so hard as we think it should be. There are moments of peace and calm and there are long hours of constant scuall when you barely survive. The interesting thing about it is that you never know in what state are you in. You look back in surprise to see that it wasn't actually so bad and happy hours are still on your way. 
Today I was denied a job as a kindergarden teacher just because I don't meet their expectations. I'm not disappointed or upset about it. It just happened and this is it. But my biggest victory was that at the end of the day I wasn't tensed and went bananas over it. I just stayed calm and this is an example of change which I experience more and more every day. It is a miracle I should say. Today I had a nice day no doubt about it. Everyone was nice to me and I was nice to them in return. I flipped through some magazines and looked for a moistorizer for my face. I was constantly on the move today and it was a happy day for me. Have a nice day. bye.......