a sudden death

Recently I found out that one of my acquintances is dead. She died in a car crash. I  was shocked. She was such a nice and beautiful person. Let her rest in peace. Her work drained her energy, a promising math scientist. When I got to know her she was torn apart, somehow she couldn't accept her life. I don't know much about her, but what I grasped is that she didn't accept her life, maybe she was not on friendly terms with her husband. I believe that now she is on top of the world. I imagine that she found a different dimention, where she is happy. I thought about myself. What was it like to be on the other side. Would God judge me for what I did or I will enter the land of happiness straight away. When we are young we don't think about life and death but when time is about to end such thoughts rubbish our thoughts.

Today my head is full of musings on different topics. About life about the children I teach. I noticed that when you establish sort of emotional bond between you and your learner then you can make as many mistakes as you wish and you won't be blamed for them. Maybe this is stupid but I know this from experience. I'm sure that my nature is not infallible and I can't do anyhting about it. Someone pointed it out beautifully " If you don't do anything , you don't make mistakes". I get to know the nature of children, how sincere they can be, how dilligent. They are great observers and nothing escapes their attention. At the same time they are ambitious and require the same from you. And that's a hard nut to crack.

Today was a big day for me because I realized that I'm not as perferct as I wanted to. That's painful for me but I have to accept it. Some people come some people go. We will see what will happen.

Sometimes I try to think what is going on in that little person's mind. How he or she understands what I'm saying to him or her. In this way I could realize where the mistake comes from.

I sort of want to understand and accept the way I am but it is so hard to approve all the things I used to hate. I imagined myself as a perfect, infallible creature and I'm disillusioned about life about my job. One good thing is that I started improving my cooking skills and I'm doing pretty well in this area. I made ratatoulle which was amazing plus chicken curry which was ok as well. I'm quite a good cook. This is it. So bye for now.

a MESSY POST

Today I don't put any post on my blog maybe because I want to say more to other people and to myself in particular. Recently I had some tough days and humilated myself all the time. I've noticed how hard is to change the steam of your thinking. Instead of saying" you are hopless" say to yourself on the opposite. I got used to sort of idea that I'm worthless. Nobody convinced me that actually it is true but I kept on repeating you are wothless you are a terrible teacher. I sort of struggle constantly with myself and deny everything but it comes back again and again. My internal critique is on the go and to silence him is something almost impossible. I want to say to you if you are listening that  no matter what happens you are worth more than you think. First of all I'd like to tell myself because having a blog is like going to confession each time you make a post. I'm as pleased as Punch today and just waiting what will change my mood. But all in all I'm optimistic and wish you all the same. Be one's own master and don't delude yourself. Life is too beautiful to be waisted. Bye.

A blak post

This time without a painting, not because I sort of quit but there is such a mess in my photos. I hardly know how to sort them. Painting is my passion and not long ago I did a beautiful painting of shells. To me it is a step towars creativity and perfection. For some time I felt that it always be so hard for me to paint something brilliant. Fortunately it turned out that I did a good job and even my teacher praised me for my creation. It sort of boost my ego and helps me to realise that in life it is not always so hard as we think it should be. There are moments of peace and calm and there are long hours of constant scuall when you barely survive. The interesting thing about it is that you never know in what state are you in. You look back in surprise to see that it wasn't actually so bad and happy hours are still on your way. 
Today I was denied a job as a kindergarden teacher just because I don't meet their expectations. I'm not disappointed or upset about it. It just happened and this is it. But my biggest victory was that at the end of the day I wasn't tensed and went bananas over it. I just stayed calm and this is an example of change which I experience more and more every day. It is a miracle I should say. Today I had a nice day no doubt about it. Everyone was nice to me and I was nice to them in return. I flipped through some magazines and looked for a moistorizer for my face. I was constantly on the move today and it was a happy day for me. Have a nice day. bye.......

Tropical shells in a mess

Long time no see. This time I'm in the pink and constantly happy because of the progress I've made in English. For 3 months already I've been giving private lessons and I'm pleased with it a lot. I take pleasure from it and sort of enjoy it. I feel I'm back on track and just go stright towards my destiny. Above is the photo I made some time ago depicting shells of different types. I like the hues and I'm thriving. I wonder how life can change for good and it is pointless to have bad thoughts and cry over oneself.

My primitive painting

Above I created a folk picture. I was inspired by the French painter Seraphine. I watched a film about her. She moved me a lot. The painter wasn't happy throughout her life but she devoted everything to painting. Every single penny was spent on her hobby. She was impoverished but painting gave her strenght. She was inspired by nature, trees, leaves. What is interesting about her is that she blended hues to achieve her own special outcomes. F.ex: She used blood to achieve red. I take after a primitive painter.

The seductive Himba girl

Today another nice photo of my drawing. It depicts the Himba tribe as usual. I love the colour of their skin. It is so smooth and spotless. I love any culture in general, because it explains how people behave and do in any circumstances. I consider Himba a dynamic tribe with its own traditions. I don't perceive them as people without any restrictions. I have an idea how they live and to which restrictions they are submitted. Their life is toil and being many times forced to marry someone they don't love. Another obstacle is sticking to their culture despite of the foreign culture which imposes its own rules. Some say the Himba culture is dying out. Maybe there is something in it. But still it is a miracle that they survived with their culture intact in the 20 century.

Masaaj warrior

In September I came back to pastels. I think I feel it. I want to portray Africa of course its indigenous people. Above is the Massaj warrior playing on his instrument . I suppose he's calling other warriors to go hunting. I'm fascinated by Africa. Though its people are poor, their bodies are adorned with beautiful and colourful beads. They are very dynamic and adore dancing. I would like to take part in African dances once in a while. I want to come back to mother nature. Sometimes I think I need a special rest from my thoughts, get in touch with simple and poor people of Africa. When you are poor and happy then I think you grasped the essence of life. All you have to do is dancing and singing in the rain and smear your body with ochre and animal fat like the Himba do. This is the secret why their skin is so smooth and without any spots.
 Above I portrayed the Masaaj because they also have an interesting culture. They drink cow's blood and take care of their hair and body which is also embellished with little colourful beads and string neckleces.
No that's it. I wish you a happy day. So by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my beautiful icons

Lately I've had some problems with my blog that's why I didn't manage to insert a new post but never mind better luck next time. As I told you I started painting icons. They are not perfect but thay are mine. I like them . They are sort of childish. Painting for me is a harder technique than using pastels for example.

My holidays I spent working and painting as usuall. Art takes over my life thoroughly. I must say that using oil paints is quite expensive. They quickly run out and I must buy new ones but it pays off because with paints you can do incredible things fe: build up a perspective, light and shades if you are a skilled painter. So have a nice day. Pay a visit to my blog from time to time.

The sunny region of Tuscany

This picture depicts the sunny region of Tuscany. I love Italy for  their love of life and cusine. It is art. You can not describe something unspeakable. My emotions towards Italy are so strong that it is hard to express let alone to imagine.  The picture is done in oil and any corrections are added by my master. It is art. you should only look at it in this way.

Icon

As I'm interested in icons, I chose to paint one of them. It is not as perfect as it should be but for me it is ideal. The madonna is so warm and dedicated to the child. Her eyes express real motherhood. I'm glad that I 've chosen such a topic of my work. The picture is done in oil. I have even a paint which is the colour of human skin. I'm glad that I do what I like most . It is a gift and prevelage to do so. Unfortunately I'm out of work and painting soothes my emotions. Tomarrow I'm going to attend my painting classes and I prepared a picture of Italy. I will see what will happen tomorrow

My first sunflower

Today I want to share with you with my passion. This is my first painting. I'm pleased with it a lot. I shouldn't wait to show you my abilities and skills. It was not as hard as it seems. I'm very pleased with it. Besides I enjoy the atmosphere at my classes. I learn from them a lot and in general I want to continue them and become a famous painter.

San Francisco bridge

Today I want to be in peace with myself so to speak. Drawing and painting is my life. I don't want to run away from it. It is my life though there is noone to admire it. I feel it in my bones and I want to have it in my life. I feel it simply. And if you ask me what you would like to do I would say painting and drawing. I don't want to harm myself just because I differ in many aspects from others. I want to stay in peace and enjoy my life. Nobody knows how long I will live.

Chinese pagoda

This is an example of Chinese pagoda-typical Chinese building for sightseeing. Recently I made a selection of drawings depicting different landscapes. Though it is not a landscape it is still a view. I must admit I'm not good at it. All I like is a human body and I think that I cope with that quite well.
Today I fetched a painting from my painting classes. It is a stunning sunflower. It impresses me a lot. For me paints are a strange and difficult medium. You have to stand in front of the painting for hours thinking what to add. It forces you to think creatively . On the other hand pastel is a quicker medium . First because you can blend it and it doesn't make your clouths dirty to some extend. That's why maybe I'm dealing with pastels for such along time. Definetly it's my best medium.

Tsitsikama national park1

This picture shows a beautiful Tsitsikama national park. Wonderful cool water and a pebbly beach. I sometimes wonder how many beautiful spots are on earth and how people are not aware of them. Tsitsikama is one of them.

As I mentioned I paint, with time my picture starts to take shape. I'm really pleased with myself. Though the painter-teacher instruct me and corrected my work. One thing is for certain that I know or at least I know how to grasp the paintbrush. It relieves my spirit.

I have a dilemma because I'm out of work and I even invented that I will be a florist. I'm afraid of work but at the same time I long for it. As one actress said I'm bipolar. There is something in it. I want to come back to my painting. My next picture will be from Tuscany Rising cypresses in the filds of Tuscany.I start to be fascinated by painting.

Tsitsikama national park

This landscape depicts the Tsitsikama national park. The sea is calm as well as the weather. All the things look stuning. The picture has a calming effect on me. I hope you like it.

As I said before I took to painting.

The landscape of Tuscany

This is an example of landscape of Tuscany. I adore simply Italy. It is so beautiful country that I hardly can describe. Its landscapes are so beautiful that it is hard to describe its beauty. This photo comes from Pawlikowska's album titeled "Fotografuje swiat". The author says that she chose photos which force you to think. An interesting idea, isn't it? I dream about Italy. I even started painting a sunflower from Tuscany. It is my first painting so far done in oil on board. I'm sure that it will find its place here, because flickr is already overloaded.

I started painting in oil. It is fascinating and it teaches me precision and concentration. I like the companionship of ladies as well. It is amazing how many colours you can achieve from stiring different shades. Some of the members produce amazing and stunning paintings. They paint for 2 years and the outcome is amazing. I wish I would paint in this way. It is an enormous satisfaction. My sunflower is dynamic and full of life. I will put it on show in a while.

Landscape3

This is a drawing made according to the photo of Colorado Canion. It is superficial and general but I hope I grasped the outlook of this magnifiscent landscape. It is so great that it is hard to draw. Colourful layers are structured in such a way that it looks like a piece of cake. When you draw it you realize how splendid and calming effect it has on you. Any landscape has a calming and soothing effect. You can give a try in drawing this.

Bare back

Today after a long break I insert a new my drawing. It shows a bare back of a lady. It is interesting and stunning. I like the posture of the figure. Her bare hands cluching firmly the back. I general I like my drawings because they leave a piece of me in them. It's like writing a book or a poem. Each time it is a sort of communion with oneself.

Now I read a book titled "The da Vinci code" of course in English. It gives me a lot of satisfaction when i strive to understand someting and broaden my knowledge at the same time. I wish to know this language perfectly. I took me so much time to learn it.

Landscape1

y art

This is a landscape of The Canion Colorado. It is not very artistic but it is my trial and an attemt to improve my skills. I like my drawings in general. They show how big jump I made. Attention please I'm going to paint. Upii What a joy. I bought paints and brushes as well as canvas. I will see what will come out of this.

Bunch of poppies

Now again bunch of poppies. I suppose I make you feel bored. Unfortuanately there is quite a lot in this collection. It is not so successful but I tried to make it.

Recently I've been reading a book on Tuscany about Italian love of life and their kitchen. The point with Italians is the fact that they are proud of themselves and their culture. Nothing is gonna change it. I read about a house built there and the toil connected with it. Fortuanately I found some interesting receipes there. And what interesting I learnt the difference between crostini and bruschetta.

I wonder what would be if Poles were proud of their culture. It would be heaven I suppose.

Poppy2

This is a poppy-full view. As I said before I was made to draw poppies . This is one of them. Fiery red as it is with poppies. I hope you will like it.

Poppies1

Here is my new photo I mean a picture. I was sort of made to draw poppies. It didn't come out well, but I tried. Here are the results. I must confess I'm not so proud of it but fortunately I practise my skills and try out new themes. This picture was done from the internet. Recently I used some pictures from the internet, not because I like using somebody's work but I was looking for poppies and that was the only place to look through. I hope you will like it or at least come to visit my blog. Bye

Messy room

Today you can see my messy room with everything what I need to draw. In other words my workshop. I like big formats that's why I use big sheets of paper , because in my opinion big formats attract attention more than small sizes. Everything I collect in my coach. I hope that sooner or later someone will admire my work which finally pays off. You don't have to worry that it is always so. I left that mess which is sort of creative and then quickly wipe everything off. So now everything is in order.
I hope you will have a wonderful day today . Unfortunately in Poland it's snowing and it is freezing. You'd better wear fat socks and a scarf. Such weather doesn't work well on my psyche but it passes away.

Today I spend some time on the net and found good cosmetic summaries. Sometime I find something valuable to me basicly thanks to my mum. I sometimes think that it is better to do make up but I don't have enough money. Unfortunately.......

Lilies

Here is one of my ugliest paintings. Recently I've commited a few. They are not interesting but they are steps necessary to become more perfect in the study of art. Many times it happens that not all my works are worth considering. This is one of them.

I happen to tell you that I'm fascinated by holiness. I read about saints and think that maybe I will be one of them. Today I read about the parents of saint Teresa . They were simple people and had 9 children many of whom died when at an early age. They all daughters became nuns and sain Teresa is the doctor of the Christian Church. It's incredible that this little creature had so profound musings. She left her diary and letters. It is also incredible that she is the patron saint of missions, she who never left her convent.

Her philosophy is treating God as our loving father and and she called her philosophy my little way. What attracted me to saint Teresa is her love of herself. She says herself that many people said that she is goodloking but she doesn't care.Despite her age she was very serious and obligatory. She led very profound spiritual life. When asked what she is doing when she sit still she answers she is thinking

Landscape

Here is my first landscape. This is my first trail. I'm learning to draw landscapes and nature in general. It's difficult but I try. It makes me angry when I try and nothing comes out of it. This is my weakest point.

I'm coming back to the beginning. I want to go to serve people to help in general because I can't help myself. There is a plan to help children by reading . Maybe I 'll try. Maybe in this way I'll help someone and first of all I will help myself. It is interesting and satysfing. I long for it and I want to fulfill my dreams . Maybe in this way I will do what I can. I think that I'm like a dog running in circles to catch my tail. It's so hard for me to understand

Poppies

Today a new my drawing. Poppies once again. Today I drew on a new paper pad. It is an unforgettable experience. I came to the conclusion that it's worth respecting your own work. No matter if it gives any positive outcome or not. Sooner or later anything what you do with patience will give a profit. Respecting your work is respecting yourself.I don't know what you think on that matter but I discovered America.

Poppy

Here is one British poppy. I'm just reading about "Radical Forgiveness". It's interesting book. In the future I'm going to say a few words about it.

Poppies in the wind

I must admit I don't take care of this blog properly. I think in this way by looking at the posts. Some of them lack sense.

Here is my study of flowers. The size is big 50*70. I was made to draw poppies and that's why here is my drawing presented . Poppies are very delicate flowers therefore it is hard to capture their elusive nature. There are a lot of people who like poppies as much as sunflowers. I paid attention to the fact that there are people who greatly adore sunflowers. Maybe it's because of van Gogh'sunflowers. As you may suppose I run a diary and insert some musings which are spiritual. Here is a continuation of my diary.

I want to say just one thing. If you don't want to suffer and think about only your problems think about others instead. I think that when you help others you stop focusing on what is yours. I tried to do an experiment on myself and asign a day without complaining. It really works. I repeat to myself "Day without complaining" It makes me feel relieved and gives a new perspective to my life. Life seems to me lighter and my problems smaller in comparison with other problems which people have. The most important thing is fighting with overwhelming. When I fought this the next step is much easier

It's like talking to me. It seems to me that there is only me in this space. Sorry for complaining. Hello are you there?

Today I have a nice beginning of my day. I spend my time in a cafe where I sipped a hot chocolate. It made me feel relieved and full of joy. Though I can see I put on weight. I spend my time with my gorgious mother and it was un unforgettable experience. And you, where have you been.? Maybe this spot is sort of messy but I want to relieve my soul.

It is white outside even though it is not snowing. The temerature is freezing. Frost is overwhelming nature. It is hard for especially animals. I'm a type of a person who feels cold very much that's why winter time is very difficult for me.

Baby in caring arms

Today my favourite new picture "Baby" I hope you like it . I especially like the body of the child.and still I'm going to continue my musings on personality, happiness and many other topics. In my opinion you are happy if you forget about oneself. I read a script that when you fret about something you think that you have control over your future which is not true. I admire and instintively stick to people who are not concentrated over themselves. Still I feel tense and fret about things which are not in my control but what is important is that my attention is focused on my vices and I'm aware that I posses them.

Mother with a child

Now is to be continued with Africa. Mother with child. My sister is so much against my African drawings that you can't even imagine but I love them. The brown colour somehow attract me. In general I think that Africa is fascinating as a continent.

I don't know why many people think that it is unattractive and poor continent. In fact, Africa is a source of commodities for the whole world. I'm stunned by the richness and beauty of that country.

My beautiful legs

Today I don't have much to say. I just want to say hello to anyone present on my blog. I came to the conclusion that it is pointless to write anything 'cause it is so toxic that I can't stand. Just simple hello is enough.

Shaped hand

Today I feel sort of confused , because I skipped some days in my thinking and writing posts. I failed thinking in a positive way. I don't know what is the reason of my failure. Maybe it's my weakness in general. The curious thing about it is the fact that my mother consider me a strong person. And I deny everything. It is sad but true.

Some time ago I went to the doctor and she told me that I shouldn't be left alone and travel alone. I became furious. How come? My life is changing and I get stuck in marazm.

What's interesting is the fact that there are so many things to be happy about in my life and I don't perceive them. Maybe once again I should be left in the mental asylum as previously.

When I read Pawlikowska's books I wonder if I also can write and this is my first trial actually. My monster tells me that I don't. Basicly I do everything for myself not for others. My mother recently said: You don't live for others but for God and for yourself. That is interesting and true in an egoistic way

I consider the fact that there is something with my mind. That I can't focus and teach. I don't know how to answer such a question, because this fact is irreversible.

I feel sort of ashamed that I think only about myself not about others. And this is a vicious circle

Such thoughts occupy my mind constantly. Then I get angry with myself because I 'm so toxic. Please help me God. One more thing which bugs me is the fact that my blog is getting more and more toxic. Maybe by writing I will let out of my emotions once and for all. Maybe

My hand3

Today I made a decision to start everything anew.to make everything different. How the world would be beautiful without our terrible thoughts. It's difficult for me to describe what bugs me. But certainly there is something that really is descrutive. What pleases me is the fact that I want to change something and don't come back to the past. What raises my spirit is the fact that I want to change something. This is pleasing. Bye.

My hand2

Mayby it's getting sort of boring but I still going to write about the power of my thouhts and how they inluence me. Their power is immence. They condition my thinking and my acting in the world. Sometimes I'm in suisidal mood and sometimes I'm in full bloom. How important is to believe in oneself and think about oneself in a good way. I discover it everyday and never stop hoping that one day I'll find a way out, though it is hard to believe. Never stop hoping that's my way of thinking right now. I hope you will find a good way of living and thinking.